Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Mom Suit!!!

Every summer I dread when I have to put on a swimsuit.  I know I am not alone in this horrific tradition.  There is really no way around it.  I have waited for full bodied, turn of the century (as in 1900's) suits to come back into style but I have come to the conclusion that it is just not going to happen.

I have always known that I am not a petite person.  I am some what tall and I have ALWAYS had curves in the tooshie area.  However, after having three children, not taking the time to workout (consistently) and having a love for baking my body is not exactly toned.

Yes, years ago...I caved to the idea of the ....MOM SUIT!

This is how I describe the "mom suit".  It most often consists of a swim bottom with attached skirt and 99% of the time the color is black.  Black is best because it hides ripples, dimples, and any other imperfections that need to be covered.  The top is longer so not to show off the left over effects of those children moms love so much.  The longer material also helps to keep every thing, ummm well, "tucked in".  Also, gravity has taken place so the suit must be made of an ultra supportive and thick material in order to put all body parts back in the place God originally intended.  Most of all, the mom suit must take at least 10 minutes to put on.  You see, the mom suit requires serious concentration when putting it on the body.  One must not be interrupted by small children or husbands.  The mom needs time to concentrate, pull, tuck, adjust and then try to convince herself she looks sexy.  Oh, and the mom must take the time to bend, squat, and wiggle to make sure nothing will peek or pop out when wrangling kids in public.  Obviously, if you are wearing a mom suit you don't have the luxury of lounging in a well thought out pose that only accentuates your positive areas.  Oh no, you are doing everything close to running a marathon or completing American Ninja Warrior in that suite!

When the mom suit gets wet three things happen.

1.  The skirt floats up around your waist.  This always makes me very self conscious about the small children swimming under water.  Most often they are wearing goggles and now all they have to look at are my extremely sun deprived thighs and all that I was trying to hide with the skirt that is now closer to my chin than my legs.  Plus, doesn't water make everything appear 25% bigger - isn't that helpful?

2.  Once I am in the water, I hate getting out and here's why.  That cute little black skirt  that looked great dry will now drag half the pool water with  it as I try to heft myself out of the water.  This also makes the most "serene" slurping and gushing sound.  It does wonders for drawing attention.

3.  The final curse of the mom suit is that after I have drained the pool by getting out, the skirt is now 8 inches longer than it was when dry.  It is not only hanging to my knees but it is also sucked to every ripple, dimple and bump that I was trying to conceal.  Oh but don't forget, I am trying to feel sexy!

So, my dear, sweet girlfriends this year I have decided to make a change.  I shucked that dreaded skirt and  I owned my "Baby Got Back" derriere.  This year my suit is a modest navy and white polka dot top with modest bottoms.  Instead of the skirt I opted for a light weight wrap.  I felt so much better in the pool without that horrible skirt.  I even got out of the pool on several occasions (mainly potty trips to the bathroom for my 4 year old).  I walked around that pool (without the above mentioned skirt) and strutted as if I were Heidi Klum.... Ok, maybe there wasn't a strut, I just got a bit carried away.  BUT the point is, I decided just to own my God given junk!  I told myself there will always be someone who is more toned, has a prettier tan, etc., etc.  This is what I have, if I was really that miserable I would bake less and workout more. Now I think I will go watch another episode of The Pioneer Woman. :) Here's to owning my God given junk! Love you girls!!!

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