Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Frantically Trying to Go with the Flow

You will either understand and empathize with me or think I am a complete nut job after reading this post. I must be a glutton for self punishment and pressure.  I am constantly holding myself to a standard that only June Cleaver could attain.  Why?  I really have no idea.  Sometimes I think it is due to the fact that I stay home.  I feel that because I stopped working, my sole job is to make sure everything runs smoothly in our home.  But then I remember back to when I was working and I pretty much held my self to the same standard.  I was the mom who tried to work a full-time job (actually when you are a teacher it is more than full time) but maintain everything like a stay-at-home mom.  Why do I do this to myself? My husband would agree with that question.  He is constantly telling me to relax, that no one else is concerned with the details like I am.  He is right.  But I still can't help but freak out at all the small things. We have had quite a difficult two years.  Recently, our son's diagnosis of ADHD with anxiety was changed to Aspergers.  I am trying to deal with this new title and remind myself that it doesn't change who he is but that is not an easy task.  I plan to write a more in depth post on the diagnosis change soon. Sometimes I think that is why I fret over every little detail.  When things go well, it makes me feel like I am doing my job.  It makes me feel like I can give myself a pat on the back, a high five, or stamp of approval.  When everything else in life feels like it is going crazy, a well planned birthday party, successful new recipe, or a great project makes me feel better about the things that aren't so great.  It helps push me along to the next day. When you have a child who struggles it is very easy to constantly punish yourself.  You look at other families and things seem so easy.  I am sure they aren't, but they appear that way.  I often get the compliment that I am such a strong person and that I always have it together.  That is SO far from the truth.  There are definitely people in my life that expect panicked phone calls from me...on a weekly basis. :) I have got to learn to let go.  It is something I am constantly telling my son.... go with the flow, just enjoy life, chill...  It upsets me when I see those qualities in him because those are the same qualities that I posses and they cause me so much stress and grief.  I don't want him to have that type of stress. So how does an overly anxious, possible perfectionist, and moderately obsessive person learn to go with the flow?  I research that question often.  But maybe that is part of the problem...  Instead of letting my hair down, I am frantically researching how to not be so frantic! I think it may just be easier to go bake something or start a new project. :) If you have it figured out, let me know.

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